12 Pieces of Relationship Advice from The Chainsmokers

Artistic Geniuses

Decades from now, people will remember 2017 as the year that The Chainsmokers released their seminal classic, Memories... Do Not Open. It truly is an album that defines a generation, speaking to the problems that literally affect nearly every single millenial, and not just rich white Coachella kids. What makes this album so great is that not only does it contain the original and amazingly conceptive beats that have made the New York duo famous, but it also contains epic tales of heartbreak and woe, surpassing other masters like Shakespeare and the great Meghan Trainor. Each track unfolds like a fable, handing out valuable lessons about relationships and life, with expert advice on how to solve problems that may arise, the likes of which have not been seen since the most recent season of The Bachelor. I understand that not everyone has the time to fully grasp the cryptic lyrics that make up every Chainsmokers song, so I will attempt to summarize the innumerable morals found in each track. My hope is that this list will be able to assist you in any future relationship crisis you may encounter.

#1: "The One"

• If you ever find yourself in the potential catastrophe of not being able to attend a party, a crime for which your significant other will apparently never forgive you, be sure to send a very long text message offering your most sincere apology. Make sure it's at least the length of a small novel, or you'll never see them again. After all, why address your problems face to face when you can summarize all your feelings in one text message?

#2: "Break Up Every Night" 

• If your girlfriend "wants to break up every night", just know that you've done nothing wrong. Clearly, she's just crazy, borderline insane. There's no possible way that your actions are behind her erratic behavior. She must just be on her period, or something. You can rest easy knowing it's out of your control and that you're in the right. Remember, there's no point in trying to make her feel better.

#3: "Bloodstream"

• You're finally away from home, living on your own. You think it'll be easy, but your insecurities get the better of you. You find yourself drinking all the time, so much so that you've spent all of your allowance. You're far too complicated to grasp the problems of your life. What are these problems? Who knows? You're just too complicated. Don't even stress about it.

#4: "Don't Say" 

• Should your significant other decide that you two should you break up, know that they're only joking. Don't even think about taking them seriously for one moment. If they want to apologize for any mistakes they made, just laugh in their face! They don't mean it! They're not even human.

#5: "Something Just Like This"

• Lately, you have been comparing yourself to some of history's greatest figures such as Batman, Spiderman, and Hercules. You realize that you are not a rich brooding orphan, you're unable to shoot webs out of your hands, and you're not a demigod with superhero strength. Clearly, you have nothing to offer in a relationship. You need to find yourself a girl who only wants to kiss you. Don't bother talking to her, because she'll just end up wondering why you don't have a bunch of gold, like Achilles.

#6: "My Type"

• If the one you love is struggling with substance abuse, make sure you have your priorities straight. Helping them overcome their addiction comes second to your personal feelings about the relationship. You would like to break up and leave them to overdose, but you kind of like the fact that they're a train wreck. In fact, don't even worry about their addiction; it's part of their appeal. No matter what, put your feelings first.

#7: "It Won't Kill Ya" 

• You see your crush at a party, and you want to ask them to dance. You're not sure if they'll say yes. What do you do? Just tell them "Dance with me. It won't kill ya". Essentially, make them feel like a dick for not dancing with you. Then after that one dance, ask them for another and then another. Your obsessive persistence is guaranteed to work. 

#8: "Paris" 

Look how edgy you are!

• Your girlfriend's parents are being a total bummer, making crazy demands like "No hanging out on a school night". How lame is that? There's only one solution: run away together. Not just anywhere, but to Paris. It isn't as hard as it sounds. Once you steal Daddy's credit cards and the keys to his Land Rover, it's actually quite easy. Make sure to document the experience with plenty of black and white photos of cigarettes, just to prove you're not the good kid your parents thought you were, #nofilter. Also, should you two get caught, know that you'll both go down together. Nothing is more romantic than ruining each other's lives.   

#9: "Honest"  

• You find yourself in the situation of having achieved international fame. You've been on tour for three weeks, which is, like, a super long time! You find yourself deciding between either calling your girlfriend or having sex with some random girl you met on the road. This might just be the most difficult decision of your life. How do you decide? Simply ponder it while listening to yourself on the radio. The soothing sound of your own voice will make everything clear. 

#10: "Wake Up Alone"

• So, you decided to ditch your girlfriend for the random roadie instead. Good for you, be your own person! But now you have a bigger problem! What if, all of a sudden, you weren't  famous anymore? Would your new lover stay or ditch you? Don't take into consideration the emotional integrity of this person; everyone just wants you because you're rich and famous. However, you don't want to go home alone. After all, that's where your ex-girlfriend lives. Once again, listen to your own music for guidance. You are a lyrical genius after all.

#11: "Young" 

•  Your girlfriend finally says that it's over. Try to reason with her; tell her, "We thought we knew how to love." Once you own your mistakes, everything will be o.k. Who cares if you crashed her car? Who cares if you almost fought her dad? As if that's your fault. You were just learning how to love, and it's completely natural. Isn't that what every teenager does? 

#12: "Last Day Alive" 

•  You are just so adolescent. Sneaking out and driving fast cars, you are a danger to society. There ought to be a warrant for your arrest. You and your girl are tearing the city apart with your unbridled angst. No doubt the authorities will come and try to tear you two apart. Just never forget that you're young, it's nighttime, you're dangerous, and uh... you're young! Yeah!